that's why (you go away) | 2006-03-24

hello! i love all of you. am officially making the switch to

SWEETCHILDOF-MINE.BLOGSPOT.COM

can't really bear to leave this place though so will occasionally come back to write :)



xoxo
much love
clara

kiss me quick!! at 11:11 a.m.

its friday im in love? | 2006-03-17

hellllllooooo!

wanted to blog in my other blog but stupid blogger's down. anyways breakdown of my day today:

9.20am: morning call from derrick
10.40am: finally woke up and realised i was late for 9am coms meeting
11.30am - 2pm: reached school in time for some Student Association thingy (somehow got roped in by zhi to the external affairs sub-committee and i'm "head of marketing"- what a mouthful! haha)
2pm - 4pm: FA meeting
4pm - 7.15pm: LTB meeting
7.15pm - 10.40pm: dragon dance!!
10.40pm - 12.51am: had continuous ongoing debate with derrick about whether i should sleep over at his place and it snowballed into a fight so yes, i'm still at home and no, i'm not going over anymore

haha so yes okay that just about sums up the life of an SMU student, which is....... we aint got one!!!!!! and i havent had a proper break/lunch/dinner at all today. im dead tired. and guess what? im not gonna have a weekend either. maybe ill update my schedule for saturday and sunday too, and you'll get a shock no doubt. helppp its eating my brains

on a separate note, i watched dorm last night with derrick and his mummy and it was frrrrreakkkkky!!!!! dont like horror films i always cant bathe/sleep alone after watching them!!!!!

and i need a break from it all. especially the insecurities. i think its true. even though i know perfectly well there is nothing to be insecure about. and saying its always been this way doesnt negate anything. inner peace and contentment, where are you

kiss me quick!! at 12:51 p.m.

i hate to look into those eyes and see an ounce of pain | 2006-03-16

HELLOOOOOO! FUCKED UP. almost finished typing my whole entry when my battery died and ashie restarted himself without warning. WTF?!

anyway shall try to reproduce my earlier draft. sorry if this entry sounds sucky. blame it on ashie and PMS.

***note: do not read the preceding paragraphs unless you really love me and do not mind dying of boredom***

was pretty upset today :( wednesdays are our "date days", when derrick would take a day off work and i'd shift my meetings around so i have a day free. we're supposed to hang out and catch a movie and stuff, cos if you know me (im sure you do), i like going out and doing things like going to the zoo and walking on the beach and going on rollercoasters or going to geylang to look at prostitutes - whatever, as long as its not "stay-home-and-watch-dvd-night", every night.

well today we planned for that. derrick's been sorta sick the past 2 weeks, and we didnt go out last week. he was better this week so he decided to take me out. i've been, still am, and will be, very busy with school, so i had a hard time shifting my meetings around to make myself free today. i was really looking forward to it! sadly all we did today was watch a 2 hour movie before he said his lips were dry and painful and he wanted to go home. he asked me to go home with him, but at that time i would rather go home to do work, so i went home.

needless to say i was upset :( he was apologetic and sweet about it all, but i couldnt help feeling... i dont know... trapped. i don't want a boring relationship. couple it with stress from school (i cant see a day-off for me until about a month later).... well he promised me that he would be different and fun once he gets well by next week, so we'll see how it goes. i know he loves me he really does, so for his sake i'll try to make our relationship work out

you know how when some people are depressed they start thinking that nothing in life is working out for them? trust me, i was NEVER like that. i swear. i always had something going for me. but you know what? today i was crying on the bus about derrick, and (i was sitting on the seat that faced the whole bus) in order to try to stop crying and stop people staring at me and stop being an embarrassment to myself, i tried to think of something to cheer me up. and i could. not. think. of. anything.

(eventually i stopped it by having a runny nose and thought i was going too far in terms of Operation Shame Clara. and also thinking of mummy and daddy and my cute lovable little brother. but thats not the point)

help me, school sucks.

and i really need someone to give me a good body massage. if my bf won't do it, i guess i just have to find a new one who will. HAHA KIDDING. what i really need is my own little puppy. make it a mini pinscher please? specifically, the one i saw at chattuchak market in thailand last december, who i will love forever and ever?

kiss me quick!! at 1:04 a.m.

the tree of knowledge of good and evil | 2006-03-15

in girum imus nocte et consumimur igni - Latin for: "We enter the circle at night and are consumed by fire". it's the coolest palindrome ever!!!

alright anyways! am really tired right now cos i just had dragon dance practise. yup can you believe it? DRA-GON DANCE. its for the official opening of the SMU Lee Kong Chian School of Business, and umm as LKC scholars, i guess we have to do our part: as part of the chinese-themed grand opening ceremony, we've decided to have a dragon dance performance!!!!! and nope this doesn't mean hiring dragon dancers, this means having us LEARN to control TWO dragons!!! all while wearing our business suits!!!

thank god (or maybe not) i'm the dragon pearl, which ain't as heavy as the dragon itself. but it also means i'm leading the dragon, and i've gotta memorize all the crazyass steps. and still, the dragon pearl is this huge ball-like thing attached to a stick, which i have to constantly twirl while prancing around. omg. how we're gonna pull this off i have no idea.

okay, off to sleep now! will someone massage my poor aching feet please? :)


p.s. sf is receiving her results tomorrow. please pray with me that it will all be fine. i know it will be.

kiss me quick!! at 1:00 a.m.

ya i know i'm being cryptic so shut up | 2006-03-13

i don't profess to know alot about love (in fact, what do i know?) - but i hope it is like this - not always constant nor consistent, sometimes brimming over, and sometimes if you think about it really thoughtfully you doubt its existence?

just like how you forget the meaning of words if you look at it over and over again. you know that feeling? look look look look look look look look look look look look look. love love love love love love love love love love love. haha now both words cease to register a meaning within me, but the latter scares me more.

.....

because if love isnt like what i hope it is, then i think my apologies (to you? to me? to time?) are in order. because its just not there right now.... (no worries, in a minute? hour? day? or two, i'll have it again. but) that would mean it never really existed.

*

on a separate note altogether, i shall stop doing it. if it makes me cry and makes me feel the way i do, then it just means i'm not prepared for its consequences and all it entails. is it self destruction or a different desire driving this? i think it is a test of resolution. and i failed but not anymore.

*

drove down with my family and the bf to JB today for seafood! yummmmm. and realised i spent 48 hours with derrick, again. (he slept over on friday night and i slept over on saturday). but i feel incredibly guilty now. haven't done a single piece of fucken work the entire weekend. and realised next week is going to be jammed packed with events and meetings and work. fuck this! not a good feeling. FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK

kiss me quick!! at 12:47 a.m.

wild child | 2006-03-10

okay have got a new blog! uploaded pics and stuff there. alternating between these two for now. head on over

here!

kiss me quick!! at 2:50 a.m.

cuz you could get used to my vision of paradise | 2006-03-10

happy birthday weiqi and yeeling!

hello! am feeling much better now, thank you very much :) fever went down and just got a tiny bit of sorethroat and flu. even though i have a 3 day MC, i'm all set to go for my LTB class open-book quiz tmr! yay. me loves open-book quizzes, nonwithstanding it is a quiz. also have some sort of prata party for the siling kids, so we'll see how that goes.

anyways watched army daze with the bf and his family last night. was really funny and so fun to watch! his sister karina is really sweet! after that we headed over to ephesus at chijmes, and his mom spent $380 on food for 6! omg and i didnt even eat much cos my appetite was down.

*

last night post-play, d also had an emotional breakdown. uh-oh. doesn't sound too good right? he was sobbing over the phone, trying to take out knives to hurt himself, and having screaming fits with his mom. shan't go into details but it's got to do with his temper and my emotional insecurity (in part). he said he's never done this over a girl before. he also said i was emotionally blackmailing him. i must say after all these years that phrase is not altogether foreign to me, even though each time i have no idea how i do it. it can't be much of a blackmail if i'm not even aware that i'm doing it right?

so well, kudos for his perserverance in hanging on. maybe i'm just too unaware that i've been putting him through emotional hell. sorry if you think i'm all that - but i'm not. i've got my hangups too and i sure as hell know im not the world's greatest gf....yet. haha. one thing's thats gotta change is his temper and screaming at me, and i know i've gotta be a better, less clingy and neurotic gf. :)

*

oh in case you're wondering, the ticker above is a count down to our half a year anniversary. (i love the pink shoe!) time passes really fast doesn't it? :) i promise not to start a fight for the next 29 days!!!

*



So don't tell me when I should
Come on home
There might be a time you don't
Want me around

Don't build your world around me
And don't hold me tight
'Cause I could get used to
Your vision of paradise.

-mick jagger, vision of paradise

kiss me quick!! at 1:02 a.m.

sick my duck | 2006-03-08

hi alll!!!! i'm ill. :(

just went to the doctor and she said my temperature was 38.5 degrees celcius, which is like, quite high. and i've got flu and abit of tonsilitis and giddiness. i kinda feel like sleeping, but when i sleep i feel gross - you know that kinda icky feeling when you feel like you're sleeping too much? UGH! the doctor gave me a three day MC. all i wanna do is cuddle up, but derrick's ill too (thats how i got sick actually) :(

anywayssssss i think i shall just psycho myself that i'm well cuz its all in the head right? haha. gonna watch army daze (the play) with d and his family in about 3 hours. tataaaaaaaaaa




p.s. feel bad for being such a slacker in terms of schoolwork. it isnt going anywhere! i got 60/100 for stats midterms, and 63/100 for FA midterms. the class average for both's about 75. helppppppppppp. i need to maintain a B+ average to keep my scholarship! bummer.

kiss me quick!! at 4:02 p.m.

DO UNTO OTHERS....................... | 2006-03-06

FUCK!!!!!!!!! SOME FREAKING IDIOT JUST STOLE MY PHONE!!!!!!!!!!!!! WITH ALL MY LOVELY PICTURES AND ALMOST 600 PHONE NUMBERS. AND I DON'T HAVE BACK-UP NUMBERS. FUCK HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AND I ALSO LOST MY DIGITAL CAMERA IN THE SCHOOL!!!!!!!! DOUBLE FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! but most of all, fuck me for being so careless. I HATE MY FUCKING SELF.

i guess i can kiss deideras (my phone's name) and johnny II (my camera's name) goodbye. damn fucking sad. some thief stole them at the si ling LTB carnival yesterday. what a freaking costly project this LTB is turning out to be. (don't worry i won't be the next tammy)

please message me your number on msn/my mobile number if i used to have it. thank you.

(on a separate note, now i've got my pink motorola razr! hehe. everyone say hi to tiffie!!)

kiss me quick!! at 1:44 a.m.

i must blog about this | 2006-03-02

today i visited sf. she told me that while she was praying in church a few days ago, she heard Jesus's voice speaking to her: "My Child, dont't be afraid." it was at that moment she knew that God, Jesus Christ, truly and completely existed. He is. He's real. i believe every single word of what she said. and i will never turn back.

Lord, i pray for her with all the power i have. make her well again. Lord, take me in your arms. i want to start going to church and reading the bible every day again. i will pray often and keep God's words. i will pray and hope that all those dear to me find God Jesus Christ. i write this to remind myself, lest midway i lose sight of my path. and most importantly, i pray that sf completely recovers.

sf prayed for me before i left her house. i love her so much and Lord, i'm so thankful for giving me this special day and this wonderful time spent with her. and i sincerely hope you who read this start having faith too.

it's Lent, and i'll start now by giving up doing something i like, for 40 days. shan't tell you what it is, but anyways i think only my boyfriend will be affected. haha.

kiss me quick!! at 10:31 p.m.

needs sleep zzzzzz | 2006-03-02

hello!! OMG i managed to drag my ass to 8.30am class now even though i went clubbing at MOS last night. yay for girl power! (and for my prof's threat that i would get a 0 if i skip any more classes. oh well haha)

anyways, too sleepy to be coherent, so ive uploaded some pics of yesterday and let the pictures do the talking! (yay to newly repaired camera and memory card reader!) this blog's seriously short on pics these days (how unlike me) so dontcha love me now!!!



*



(pretend i've uploaded pics. cos my pic website is hanging at the moment)



*



btw, i must talk about what happened this morning. derrick was supposed to wake me at 7.30 am but he overslept, which resulted in me oversleeping, and i could only start getting a cab at 8.30 am. AND THERE WERE NO CABS. till about 9 am. (class is 8.30 remember?)

so i was about to give up and go back home to sleep when this red sports car pulled up beside me and this guy (decent looking i must add, in a business suit and all) offered to give me a lift. so i though "heck it" and i went in. yay so nice of him!! but (as amanda says) weird things happen to me all the time, so it turned out this stupid guy actually had an ulterior motive and asked me for my number. wtf! but i said no i'm attached and he took it nicely.

whatevs. end of class now. gonna club at MOS tonight too, hahaha. see you all if you're gonna be there! :)

p.s. on tzing's advice, i added a comment system! so feel free to comment please. okay scrap the feel free thingy. COMMENT. NOW. love yaaa.

kiss me quick!! at 11:28 a.m.

suddenly i feel | 2006-02-28

tissue says: "love you baby! im not perfect sorry! :-p" he wrote this after i was being moody and picked on him for the smallest things. i love the cuteee smiley face (complete with a nose) and i made him imitate it.

i love my boyfriend!

kiss me quick!! at 2:57 a.m.

goodbye yellow brick road! | 2006-02-27

yesterday, my boyfriend broke my wrist while he was fighting violently with me.

even though it wasn't not so much broke, but twisted, and it wasn't so much fighting violently with me, but demonstrating some ninja move he learnt when he was a kid. oh well, who bothers about the insignificant details anyway.

(plus i got a back massage from him to make it up, haha) but still he's too rough! and i still can't type very well with my right hand. meanie :(

these days derrick and i've been talking quite alot about marriage, although i'm not too sure for what reason. haha. we've talked about how many kids we want (i want 2 and he wants 37263, and claims he will swap my Pill with a placebo, even if i take birth control), how he can keep me happy and un-lonely when he's a pilot (by giving me kids to play with), how he's going to punish our kids when they're naughty (i think this is his favorite part of the discussion), what song we want during our wedding aisle walk (i want garth brook's lost in you and he wants typical wedding bells), what kinda house we'll live in (condo - actually i'd rather a pretty little cottage, but he's paying so ill shut up), how many dogs and what breeds (1 mini-pinscher and 1 maltese for me, 1 disgusting rottweiler for him), what kinda wedding (horses and carriage), who'll be our bridesmaids (he wants his god-sis! hmph! and i want 14 of my friends/sisters, all dressed in colors of the rainbow) and umm well alot more.

i don't know if this is the usual talk between couples, but it feels nice to have a boyfriend who'll actively discuss such things with you, even if (this is caution coupled with honesty), nothing eventually comes out of it.

oh well, to end on an optimistic note as always, i must say that it takes something for us to be able to discuss that. i mean, i wouldn't even THINK about asking Ex-Boyfriend #1 or Ex-Boyfriend #2 "umm, how many kids do you think we should have?" firstly they'll stare at me like i was mad; secondly if any, our kids would either turn out psychotic and abnormal, or really, really dumb. (respectively or otherwise)

;)


p.s. im wondering if anyone ever reads this blog?! cuz the tagboard's getting kinda stagnant, if you get what i mean. haha

kiss me quick!! at 6:16 p.m.

and i'm mary tyler moore | 2006-02-26

just caught rumour has it with baby today. sweet show! (and the ben and jerrys made it better muacks) after that we went to play daytona and I ALMOST TRASHED HIM. but stupid computer screwed up and he won. haha took some pics which i shall upload later! :) off to study up for my stats mid-terms (which i took an MC for, but thats another story for another day), and then go clubbing later at MOS tonight cos baby has a bottle to finish.

btw before i go, plug for THIS site! will appreciate it TONS if you buy a $5 funfair ticket from the kids. its part of my LTB (leadership and team-building, for the misinformed!) project :)

and am currently in love with weezer's buddy holly.

"What's with these homies dissin' my girl?
Why do they gotta front?
What did we ever do to these guys
That made them so violent?

Woo-hoo, but you know I'm yours.
Woo-hoo, and I know you're mine.
Woo-hoo, and that's for all of time.

I look just like Buddy Holly.
Oh-Oh, and you're Mary Tyler Moore.
I don't care what they say about us anyway.
I don't care 'bout that."

kiss me quick!! at 5:12 p.m.

team tammy! | 2006-02-24

apologize if this entry fans the tammy fire, but i'm assuming almost everyone has heard about it.

anyways, with regards to the "tammy nyp" (sad that she has to be associated with her school) issue, the girl has my deepest condolences. i don't think there's anything wrong in doing things with your boyfriend, and absolutely nothing wrong in wanting to take vids of it. so would people JUST STOP saying that "it's a lesson learnt" and all that crap? the only fault of hers is to be careless and lose her phone.

that said, whoever put those videos online deserves to be shot!

(and yes, i have the videos, but don't bother asking me for it! am not gonna be a distributor of her pain)

kiss me quick!! at 5:49 p.m.

but when we're driving in my malibu, it's easy to get right next to you | 2006-02-22

disappointedly discovered that jude (my ipod) has officially died and will never return. stupid apple has this policy that an ipod is unrepairable once its warranty is over. WHATEVS. so now i need a new mp3 player, jude the II :(

speaking of stupid apple products, i also just spent $150 on a charger for my ibook (william-asher AKA ashie), cos my old one suddenly produced lotsa of sparks and promptly died when i plugged it in. bah.

in other matters, derrick passed his driving test! so now i have a Boyfriend Who Drives. yay. (but it wouldn't really matter if he scrimps on petrol and doesnt drive me around, would it? haha) now i need a Boyfriend Who Drives And Has His Own Car. hahaha.

alright, off to club at MOS! me loves candy floss wednesdays very muchly!

p.s.: as part of my LTB project, am helping siling secondary school (cheech's mom's the principal remember?) set up a carnival. its on the 4th of march (saturday) so would you guys like to support it? tix are going at $5 each. there'll be the usual funfair stuff like food drinks and games. come on over and have fun!! oh and also, i love everyone in my LTB group so much!! :)

kiss me quick!! at 8:16 p.m.

i think i have PMS | 2006-02-19

feeling crappy cos i just fought with my mom. everytime i do that i feel really really really guilty and start hating myself because i love my mom so much and i know that doing that would hurt her. i keep telling myself to control my words but sometimes they just come out and it's too late to take it back. i know how much my mom loves me and how much i'll love my daughter and how nothing can or will ever compare to the hurt you feel when your daughter screams at you or argues with you. god i pray that i stop doing that...........

in other matters, i don't know how long i can hold on. one day my patience and my love will slowly be eaten away by your treatment of me. when will i learn that maybe love isn't enough? that sometimes it's just time to get up and go?

kiss me quick!! at 2:05 a.m.

pretty please! | 2006-02-18

hey darlings! if you think you know me well enough, do this!it's fun!! and espcially if you're close to me you HAVE to do it! hahahaha

heaps of love

kiss me quick!! at 2:34 p.m.

my dream life | 2006-02-15

taken from trent.blogspot.com (loves him!)....

everytime my friends talk about their plans for their future in life, all i really want is to have a happy, loving family. (travelling around the world is next) i'm not that big on climbing the social ladder or whathaveyous.

and doesn't this look like the perfect picture? (minus the "sup bitches") adorable baby, hot hubby, cute doggy... i'll love to live like that and be the perfect mother, wife, and dog-owner :)

kiss me quick!! at 2:34 a.m.

accidentally in love | 2006-02-15

hahaha :) omg! just 2 seconds after i clicked "submit" my previous depressed post, derrick called me and told me to walk to my gate and i found a bouquet of flowers there :)

haha okay i'm right about feeling fine soon enough... and i just have a feeling its gonna work this time.

thank you baby :)

kiss me quick!! at 1:56 a.m.

fishes in the sea | 2006-02-15

fate is the path with least resistance.

i've always believed somehow in God's will and that everything will turn out fine - thats the way its been for me in life, largely, leaving things up to this funny thing called fate, and seeing where it leads me. from my choice of schools, to how much i need to study for an exam, to my relationships; i've had the strong faith that whatever i choose is part of fate and is somehow's God's plan for me, so i'll just go with the flow and see where it takes me.

call it a lackadaisical approach to life - i'm not saying that i've never actively fought for or worked for something i wanted in life; i have, but somewhere in the back of my mind i've always believed that the outcome is God's will, no matter how much i do, or what i do. and perhaps even, he meant for me to work this hard, he meant for me to do this much, he meant for me to make this choice.

i remember writing in my philo essay in rj about immanuel kant's philosophy on free will and my world view. i believed (and still believe) that god has an ultimate plan for us, but we are allowed some degree of free will in the sense that we can exercise certain choices throughout life but god guides us in the general direction.

you know about how strong believers of rationality and descartes (cognito ergo sum) perhaps, affirm the exercise of free will so much so that halfway driving on a mountain path they veer off course, off the cliff, on purpose, and fall to their death, just to prove to themselves that they can exercise free will?

i think "fate is the path with the least resistance" is a revelation for me. maybe all of life has just been resisting, and going along with the one path that is okay, not neccessarily the best one, but the one which i dont have a strong preconceived contention towards. maybe it is god's will for me to learn, god's ultimate plan for me exists, but i have to find it somehow? and i don't think its going to be through resistance.

anyways, im sick of typing so much and with that said it still doesn't change the fact that its just a little past valentines day and im depressed. yeah normally i dont like showing my vulnerability (that is why you said that i'm strong and not me of all people, but dear i don't know), but oh well. life is gonna be full of alot of things like this so i better get used to it somehow.

happy vday y'all! hope it was good and filled with love :)

p.s. thank god for friends and girlfriends and mummy! don't worry for me i'll be fine again before you know it, i promise :)

kiss me quick!! at 1:50 a.m.

?????????????? | 2006-02-11

3 songs that i can never listen to fully to the end, because they never fail to make my heart go "ouch!":

1. love is only a feeling, the darkness
2. don't look back in anger, oasis
3. angie, rolling stones

the list didn't use to be like this, but time and circumstances and people change.

*

in other matters, i think i've decided to drop one module, Finance. getting too stressed out thinking about it potentially damaging my GPA, and also have enough on my hands (i.e. financial accounting, statistics, communications (D+ for my fucking essay!), and LTB), to actually mug well for it.

kiss me quick!! at 7:12 p.m.

girls just wanna have fun! | 2006-02-09

hiya all! good morning :):) in class now and i just did a silly 15% presentation. my high of the day, haha. sleepy cuz i slept late last night and trying to stay awake so occupying myself with blogging here. haha

am only in class today cuz my prof said if i didnt turn up for class today i'll get a big fat 0 for the entire course. wow

was supposed to go clubbing with nic and friends, and/or aunty grace last night but i realised i had early morning school so i didn't. such a good girl i am :) pictures of clubbing that day to be up soon! (once i get off my lazy ass that is haha) anyways gonna have mid-terms in less than a week, and a 40% statistics assignment due next week. mugging time! (but all work and no play makes jane a dull girl so.... hahaha)

p.s. i realise my blog's really borrring but well you know the saying, only good girls write diaries. ;)

kiss me quick!! at 11:33 a.m.

but heroes often fail | 2006-02-08

i walked out on him. i don't know if this is the end, but we definitely need a break from each other. and i can't and i won't say when i will return.

"If I could read your mind love,
what a tale your thoughts could tell.
Just like a paperback novel,
the kind the drug stores sell.

Then you reached the part where the heartaches come, the hero would be me.
But heros often fail.
And you won't read that book again
because the ending's just too hard to take.

I'd walk away like a movie star
who gets burned in a three-way script.
Enter number two:
A movie queen to play the scene of bringing all the good things out of me.
But for now, love, let's be real.

I never thought I could feel this way and I've got to say
That I just don't get it.
I don't know where we went wrong, but the feeling's gone and I
Just can't get it back."

- if you could read my mind, gordon lightfoot

funny how 4 months can be summed up in a 80s sounding poppish-retro song. don't get me wrong; its not like there wasn't love, care, and concern. there was and there is and there might be. but something's gone wrong.

i hope this break does what we hope it will do, and help us learn to appreciate having each other, let us realise how much love we actually have, and let us learn to treat each other better. because if it doesn't, then i guess it will be goodbye.

kiss me quick!! at 12:45 p.m.

have you ever felt | 2006-03-05

i want it; and yet i don't. it hurts both ways, so no way is the right way.

kiss me quick!! at 12:28 a.m.